Breaking The Ruler
It’s been a quiet few months … translation.. I have not said much in print. Personally it’s been anything but quiet as I’ve transitioned from one state to another in hopes of finding a closer place to peace and calm.
My grandparents lived in Florida and for most of my child into adulthood, I spent a lot of time here. I still remember the sweet scent of the air when I would get off the plane in West Palm Beach to visit Flowers mixed with the salt of the sea carried in a heavy layer of humidity. The air still smells the same. SWEET. It’s the first thing I notice when I step outside my apartment building to walk my dog. There is something strangely reaffirming about that scent - now it carries with it the message “I made the right decision” and I breathe this in deeply. I also wake up and tell myself “I am happy” because I am.
Through the lens of my new life, one that was unexpected, unplanned, but very welcome. I text a friend in Hawaii that I had moved - her response “Getting married or retiring?“
My response - neither although i have to admit I may welcome the former and would not know what to do with the later.
Which brings me to the title of this blog - Breaking the ruler.
Now from the safe ( or not so safe if you turn on the news and buy into the hype ) distance from my “old life“ I realize the limitations of the ruler I USED to measure my life with. Let’s just say it was an expander - Everything was about how much I could accomplish - on every level from work, to school, social life to personal growth. How much could I pack into a day … meetings, yoga, meditation, workout, errands, self care, friends, travel - I was on or off - two speeds - fast or collapsed. Rest was not much of an option and if it came, it was just one more thing on that never ending list that was literally a giant post it note on my wall of projects, pursuits and to - do’s. And now ( thank you Covid 19 ) my old life does not exists any more, and perhaps neither does my old self.
Throwing myself around the world at break neck speed - somehow I knew .. “ I have to do this while I still can “ was my familiar refrain. What “ while I still can meant ? I thought it meant while I was still healthy fit and young enough to withstand the rigors or almost weekly travel, seven to ten countries in a year, multiple conferences - both YogaFits and others. I was determined to do it all, and I almost did. In between I would go home and put more things on the list. Somehow I have managed to surrender that list, tear it up and take that ruler that I used to measure my self worth ( THE DOING ) and break it into 1000000 pieces.
What’s next ? How about sitting in uncertainty, sitting with myself ( something I’ve gotten very good with ) and making some life changing decisions that will alter the course of everything.
While sitting in uncertainty for what looks like the unforeseeable future...
What ruler are we using to measure our lives ? What are measurements are we taking that we use to feel good about ourselves ? Apparently mine were so ambitious that it was hazardous to my mental if not physical self not to mention the psychic toll that it took in the name of progress. I may consider myself a minimalist, but my plans, goals, ambitions and lists were anything but.
I’m happy, peaceful, relaxed and content - not married, not retiring but perhaps just learning to truly BE in a different way than sitting on a mountain on top of the Ganges or passed out in an airplane seat.
I can’t go back to “ my old life “ because it no longer exists, the world for the foreseeable future has changed and most importantly - so have i.
Breathing. Feeling, Listening to your body. Letting go of judgement, competition, expectation. BEING in the present moment - in the House of BE, i reside, Dog and God beside me .. inhabiting a new yet very familiar space.